Good grief?

Grief is part of the circle of life, a somewhat mysterious one.

In the book Le Petit Prince, the little prince is sad that he is far from home, the pilot comforts him and he thinks – “It is very mysterious place, the land of tears.” It’s a mystery for sure- sadness and grief can go hand in hand. Have you been to the land of tears?

We’ve all been there at some point. I think I rented a house there in different years of my life. It’s difficult to know that this is perhaps the last holiday, birthday, phone call. That’s if you know the passing is coming. It’s much harder when it’s sudden, an accident, a heart attack, a firefight in a far off land, or someone takes their life. In some cases we know exactly what happened, in others, we won’t ever know- and maybe it’s better that way.

No matter how it happens, we end up in a transitional place where we have never been and don’t know what to do. Grief and sadness take up residence. This is the “in between”. The present moment is in between what you knew and what the reality of life is without them.

I can’t actually know exactly how you feel. I know how it feels to lose a friend, a relationship, a student, a parent. I don’t know what it’s like to lose a spouse or a child. Each experience is unique. What I can do is walk with you on your path and offer you a shoulder or share my own experiences. There is no gauge to say how long you should grieve. I do know you can’t live in the land of tears forever because well, you have to live.

I will admit that I was not a huge “crier” before my dad passed away. I am an empathetic person, you have to be to spend your days with teenagers; that’s a special world of angst, plenty of teenage and adult drama all rolled into one. Sadness touches people of all ages. That was the first year I cried at the end of reading Le Petit Prince with my class.

Why do some people have more time than others? I can’t answer that. If you look in the Bible, there is a season for everything, a time to reap and sow, to mourn and dance. Do you ever look back and see how all the puzzle pieces make sense? The pieces weave together, we just don’t have God’s perspective on that complicated tapestry.

The people we love are never really lost to us. We can no longer hug them in this world, but they live on IN us, through us. A few years ago, I received a text that my friend’s mom passed away during the night. I was just waking up and my first thought was “Rosemary is waking up in heaven today.” Then I cried. I’m happy when people make it to heaven. Sad for who they leave behind. I think of her every time I make cookies with my cookie scoop. It has taken me years, but I finally made a batch of “Rosemary perfect” oatmeal craisin cookies this summer.

My dad passed away on the Saturday of a holiday weekend. We spent the Sunday looking at photos, and telling stories. Sure there were tears, but I remember laughter too. There can be joy in the sadness. When a family friend passed away two years ago, I didn’t wear black to her funeral, I wore a bright, patterned dress that would have made her smile.

Death is not the end. It’s a beginning. Grief is not a place you stay, it’s a season in life that connects us to the past, our loved ones, and stretches all the way to heaven. Grieve, cry, feel it, and when you are ready, find a way to honor their memory. We were created to love one another, walk with one another. Continue to love them and pass on the wisdom you learned from them to others. Practice their kindness, follow the advice, toast them every once in awhile.

When you find yourself in the mysterious land of tears, remember even if you feel alone, you are not. You can “phone a friend”, in this world or the next, and they will show up. Believe it or not, you may just find the joy in the mourning, even if it seems impossible. How will you continue that legacy of joy in the world?